Wednesday morning, December 18th. Watching someone complain that their friend "changed" after getting successful. The friend still returns calls, still makes time occasionally, but the dynamic shifted. They're hurt because they thought friendship meant unchanging unconditional support. They never realized they were trading entertainment and emotional support for proximity to ambition. The deal changed. They pretend they're above caring about deals.

The Thesis

Every friendship is transactional. Not in a cynical way—in an accurate way. People form relationships because they get something: companionship, validation, entertainment, status, emotional support, intellectual stimulation, professional opportunity, or simply the feeling of being liked.

The problem isn't that friendships are transactional. The problem is we pretend they aren't, which makes us terrible at maintaining them. We can't negotiate terms we refuse to acknowledge. We can't adjust relationships whose mechanics we won't examine. We can't maintain balanced exchanges when admitting there's an exchange feels dirty.

Healthy friendships require honest accounting. Not of every favor, but of the fundamental value exchange. What are you each getting? Is the trade still working? What happens when circumstances change?

Pretending friendship is "above" transactions doesn't make relationships pure. It makes them fragile, confusing, and prone to quiet resentment when the unspoken terms shift.

What the Transaction Actually Is

Not: Quid pro quo favor-counting ("I helped you move, so you owe me")

But: Ongoing value exchange that keeps both people choosing to maintain the relationship

What people trade in friendships:

Emotional Currency

  • Validation - "You're right to feel that way" / "You're justified in your anger"
  • Support - Listening during hard times / Being available for venting
  • Affirmation - "You're smart" / "You're funny" / "You matter"
  • Entertainment - Laughter / Shared experiences / Fun hanging out

Social Currency

  • Status association - Being friends with someone impressive/successful/attractive
  • Network access - Meeting their other friends / Professional connections
  • Social proof - "If they like me, I must be likeable"
  • Identity validation - Association with someone who represents what you value

Practical Currency

  • Reciprocal help - Moving / Lending money / Professional advice
  • Opportunities - Job referrals / Introductions / Resources
  • Shared activities - Having someone to travel with / Do hobbies with
  • Convenience - Someone nearby / Someone available / Someone reliable

Intellectual Currency

  • Interesting conversation - Stimulating ideas / New perspectives
  • Challenge - Someone who pushes your thinking / Calls out your bullshit
  • Expertise - Learning from someone knowledgeable
  • Creative collaboration - Building things together / Bouncing ideas

The dynamic: Most friendships involve multiple currencies in both directions. The relationship works when both people feel the total exchange is roughly fair. It fails when the exchange becomes noticeably imbalanced and neither person acknowledges or renegotiates.

Why Pretending It's Not Transactional Breaks Things

Problem 1: Can't Negotiate What You Won't Acknowledge

Pattern:

  • Your friend gets busier with work
  • They have less time to hang out
  • You feel abandoned
  • They feel pressured
  • Neither of you says what's actually happening

What's actually happening:

  • The time/attention trade was working
  • Now they're giving less time
  • You haven't adjusted what you're expecting to receive
  • They feel obligated but resentful
  • You feel devalued but entitled

If you could acknowledge the transaction:

  • "Your time availability changed. What works now?"
  • "I need more check-ins. Can we do monthly calls instead of weekly hangouts?"
  • "Your career phase is demanding. How should we adjust this friendship to fit?"

Without acknowledging it:

  • Silent resentment builds
  • Expectations remain unstated
  • Someone eventually says "you changed"
  • Friendship ends with confusion

Problem 2: Can't Maintain Balance You Can't See

Example:

Friend A provides:

  • Emotional support during Friend B's breakups
  • Validation of Friend B's career struggles
  • Entertainment (funny, good hang)

Friend B provides:

  • Status association (successful, impressive)
  • Network access (introduces A to interesting people)
  • Interesting conversation

The trade works until:

  • B gets even more successful
  • B's time becomes more valuable
  • B's network becomes more exclusive
  • A's status currency inflates
  • A still expects same time/attention
  • B feels A is taking more than giving

If they acknowledged the transaction:

  • Renegotiate: Maybe less frequent but higher quality time
  • Rebalance: A finds new value to provide
  • Accept: Relationship naturally scales down appropriately

Without acknowledging:

  • A feels abandoned
  • B feels drained
  • Both feel confused
  • Relationship dies messily

Problem 3: Can't Address Imbalance Without Seeming Petty

The trap:

You feel the exchange is imbalanced. Maybe you're giving more emotional support than you're receiving. Maybe you're doing more of the work to maintain contact. Maybe you're providing more help than you're getting back.

If you say something:

  • "Sounds transactional" / "Real friends don't keep score"
  • Accused of being selfish or calculating
  • Shamed for noticing imbalance

If you don't say something:

  • Resentment builds
  • You withdraw
  • Friendship degrades
  • Eventually ends with passive-aggressive distance

The dynamic: The taboo against acknowledging transactions makes it impossible to address imbalances before they become relationship-ending resentments.

What Healthy Friendship Accounting Looks Like

1. Know What You're Trading

Self-awareness check:

  • What do I actually get from this friendship?
  • What does this person get from me?
  • Is this exchange roughly balanced?
  • Am I okay with this trade?

Not cynical. Descriptive. You don't have to feel guilty about getting something from a friendship. Everyone gets something. The question is whether it's a good deal for both parties.

2. Adjust When Circumstances Change

Life changes that affect friendship trades:

  • Career success (time scarcity, status shift)
  • Relationships (partner becomes primary emotional support)
  • Location (distance makes hanging out harder)
  • Life stage (kids, different priorities)
  • Personal growth (different interests)

The move: Acknowledge the change and renegotiate explicitly.

Examples:

  • "I have less time now but I still value this. What works for you?"
  • "My life is more stable now, so I don't need as much venting space. But I still want to stay connected. What else can we do together?"
  • "I moved, so we can't do weekly dinners. Want to do monthly video calls instead?"

The pattern: Acknowledge what was working, acknowledge what changed, propose new terms.

3. Be Honest About What You Need

Instead of:

  • Expecting friends to magically know what you need
  • Feeling hurt when they don't provide what you haven't asked for
  • Withdrawing silently when needs aren't met

Try:

  • "I'm going through something and need more check-ins right now"
  • "I'm looking for more intellectual challenge in conversations"
  • "I need more fun/less venting in my social life currently"

The shift: Treat unstated expectations like hidden fees—they poison the relationship. State what you need. Let the other person decide if they can provide it.

4. Accept Asymmetric Trades

Not every exchange has to be perfectly balanced in every dimension.

Example trades that can work:

  • You provide emotional support, they provide career opportunities
  • You provide entertainment, they provide intellectual challenge
  • You provide reliability, they provide adventure

The requirement: Both people feel the total package is worth it. Different currencies can balance each other out.

The failure mode: One person provides in multiple dimensions, the other provides nothing. That's exploitation, not friendship.

5. Let Relationships Scale Naturally

Not all friendships need to be intense and permanent.

Healthy options:

  • Close friendship for a life phase, then naturally fades
  • Activity-based friendship (rock climbing buddies who don't talk about emotions)
  • Seasonal friendship (catch up occasionally when convenient)
  • Asymmetric friendship (mentor/mentee dynamic that both accept)

The problem: We expect all friendships to follow the "best friends forever" template. Some relationships work better as lower-intensity trades. That's fine. Call it what it is and maintain it appropriately.

The Hard Part

Acknowledging friendships are transactional feels wrong because:

  1. Culture says pure friendship is selfless

    • But "selfless" friendships still provide validation, companionship, meaning
    • The person gets something even if it's not material
    • Claiming you get nothing is dishonest, not noble

  2. Seems to reduce relationships to markets

    • But you already make these calculations unconsciously
    • Making them conscious lets you maintain relationships better
    • Acknowledgment doesn't make it cold, it makes it functional

  3. Sounds unromantic

    • But romance without reality breaks
    • Acknowledging mechanics doesn't erase affection
    • You can love someone AND recognize what you trade

  4. Implies relationships are conditional

    • They are. All of them. Always have been.
    • "Unconditional" means "I haven't noticed the conditions yet"
    • Acknowledging conditions lets you meet them

The irony: Pretending friendships aren't transactional makes them MORE likely to fail because you can't maintain exchanges you won't acknowledge.

Takeaways

Core insight: Friendships are value exchanges. Pretending they aren't makes them fragile because you can't negotiate invisible terms or balance unacknowledged trades.

What's actually true:

  1. Every relationship involves getting something (companionship, validation, opportunity, support, entertainment)
  2. Relationships work when both people feel the exchange is roughly fair
  3. Refusing to acknowledge the exchange doesn't make it disappear
  4. Life changes affect the transaction—someone gets busier, more successful, has different needs
  5. You can't renegotiate terms you won't admit exist

What to do:

  1. Know what you're trading—be honest about what you get and what you provide
  2. Acknowledge when circumstances change and renegotiate explicitly
  3. State what you need instead of expecting friends to guess
  4. Accept that different currencies can balance each other out
  5. Let relationships scale naturally instead of forcing every friendship into the "forever" template

The uncomfortable truth:

You already do friendship accounting. You notice when someone's not pulling their weight. You feel resentment when you give more than you get. You distance yourself when the trade feels bad. You stay close to people who provide value.

The difference: Doing it consciously lets you maintain relationships honestly. You can renegotiate when terms shift. You can balance different currencies. You can scale relationships appropriately. You can exit clearly when trades stop working.

Friendship isn't cheapened by acknowledging it's transactional. It's strengthened. Because honest trades last longer than romantic delusions about unconditional bonds that don't actually exist.

Stop pretending friendship is above transactions. Start negotiating them honestly.

Today's Sketch

December 18, 2025